


all the times they didn’t

by we_have_cake



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Denial, Hurt, Love/Hate, M/M, Mentions of Panic Attacks, Smut, Smut and Angst, my heart hurts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2019-09-24 00:37:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 56
Words: 7,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17090774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/we_have_cake/pseuds/we_have_cake
Summary: kudos, to all the times they didn’t. cheers, to all the times their hearts have been fucked. applause, for their shattered pieces.Jeon Wonwoo didn’t want to fall in loveKim Mingyu didn’t want to keep goingTo: all the times they didn’tsincerely, the ones who blamed fate& & & & &☆ undergoing minor editing ☆





	1. Chapter 1

     Dirty streets, pouring fucking rain, Mingyu on his knees, it wasn’t romantic. It wasn’t supposed to be. They were wet, head to toe, but here they were, Wonwoo leaned up against the side of a building, it was at least 3 am, neither drunk but they could always use that as an excuse, the rain kept falling but it didn’t stop Mingyu from giving Wonwoo the best head he’s ever received. His hands, entwined in wet hair, tugging, and when Mingyu pulled back he let out a whine.

 

     “Don’t look at me like that.”

 

     “Like what?”

 

     “Like I’m your everything.”

 

     Wonwoo didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything. He pushed Mingyu head back down. He tilted his head back, the rain splashing onto his face and it felt amazing. Mingyu’s hot mouth, knowing exactly how to pleasure him, skilled tongue, and lack of gag reflex, he was shaking. Fucking into Mingyu’s mouth, his throat would be for sure raw but fuck, the thought made Wonwoo crazy. He did that. Only he could do that. It wasn’t long before he snapped his hips one last time and let out a draw out moan, spilling into Mingyu’s awaiting mouth. He didn’t need to warn him.

     Mingyu always knew.


	2. Chapter 2

     Waves, breeze, a hotel room on the beach front, who knows how much it cost, but it wouldn’t make a dent in Mingyu’s bank account. Warm and welcomed body heat, Wonwoo right next to him underneath the thin blanket, curled against his side with a hard and unyielding grip around his torso. Still possessive, even while dreaming. In less than a week they would go back to being idols. They would go back to being nothing.

     He slipped out of Wonwoo’s grip, not giving a damn, ( _he did_  ), and he walked across the room to the hot tub, sliding into it without even bothering himself to change into trunks. The sun shone softly through the window, a perfect view of the city spanning out in front of him, the window was open. He breathed it in. He closed his eyes, let himself relax. He could hear the curtains billowing. He could feel the energy. He could feel the subtle move of the water, and Wonwoo straddling his hips as if he owns him.

 

     Mingyu opened one eye.

 

     “Fuck you.”

 

     Wonwoo’s mouth against his neck.

 

     “Wouldn’t you like that.” He taunted. 

 

     Shudders down his spine.

 

     Surprisingly, it’s been years, and they still haven’t fucked. No better time then the present. His lips blindly met Wonwoo’s, letting Wonwoo guide him. Submitting.


	3. Chapter 3

     Kwon Soonyoung [ 4:44 am ]  
He’s the guy.  
Everyone has their guy.

 

     Jeon Wonwoo [ 4:45 am ]  
What guy???

 

     Kwon Soonyoung [ 4:47 am ]  
He’s the guy you’re always going to have feelings for. He’s the guy who’s always going to be on your mind. He’s the guy that makes you want to find another guy just so you can get over him but you’ll always go back to your guy  
With your guy, going home isn’t a place. It’s a person.  
     [Read 4:48 am]

 

     “Kim Mingyu. Tell me you love me.”

     “No.”

     Why does it fuck his soul up? Why does his chest seize? Why does he care?

     “Then fuck me.”

     He was on top of him in seconds.


	4. Chapter 4

     “Mingyu, Wonwoo, come here.”

 

     Vacation, over. Idol life, resumed. Scheduled programming. Like clockwork.

 

     Sitting up from their respective places, across the room from each other, they approach Chan.

 

     “ I need you to work on this piece of choreography. It’ll be only you two during this bit, a push and pull type thing.”

 

     Mingyu wouldn’t kill Lee Chan.

 

     But he wouldn’t forgive him either.


	5. Chapter 5

     “You make me feel. . . You make me feel,” he said quietly, fiercely, “and I don’t like it, I want it to stop, now.”

     The mirror wouldn’t listen. The mirror wouldn’t tell Kim Mingyu. And neither would he.


	6. Chapter 6

     “Do you trust me?”

 

     “Yes.”  _Completely._

 

     “You’re stupid.”

 

     “I know.”

 

     “Yet you still trust me?”

 

     “I’m another level of stupid.”


	7. Chapter 7

     Wonwoo’s hand was shoved down Mingyu’s pants, jerking him off to the best of his ability. Mingyu bit into his shoulder, doing his best to keep his moans in.

 

     Drinks to celebrate, something or other, Chan on top of Soonyoung on the other side if the table. Neither pair would say anything after the exchange. It would become a memory.

 

     “You’re mine. I own you.”Mingyu’s voice was muffled, but Wonwoo could hear him loud and clear.

 

     “I know. I’m your bitch.”

 

     “You’re my bitch.”


	8. Chapter 8

 

     His heart wanted to give out.He wanted to give up.

     Why was it so hard? Why was he, Kim Mingyu, fucking fighting this? Fighting himself?

     He turned away from the mirror.

     It wouldn’t give him the answers. No one could


	9. Chapter 9

     After a moment, he, Kwon Soonyoung, spoke.

 

     “Do you ever miss him, even when he’s right next to you? Even when you could just reach out and touch him, talk to him, do you ever miss him?”

 

     In three words, three words that made him realize, Jeon Wonwoo’s heart shattered.

     “All the time.”

 

     Idols weren’t supposed to smoke. It was bad.

     Soonyoung passed him the blunt, and he took a drag without hesitation.

 

     Fuck.

 

     “I tried not to fall in love with him. I really did.”

 

     “It’s okay.” He said, wishing he was dead and buried somewhere.


	10. Chapter 10

     “What keeps you up at night?”

 

_Knowing I can never have you in all the ways I want._

 

 

     “Knowing you’re right across the hall and wanting you on me.”

 

 

     “We’re not on vacation anymore Mingyu.”  _I wont let you close enough to hurt me._

 


	11. Chapter 11

     “I’m fine.”

 

     “You don’t _look_ fine.”

 

     “Then stop looking.”

 

     Seungcheol grabbed his wrist, pulling him backwards. Pulling him toward the words that scared him.

 

     “Mingyu.”

 

     Gaze glued to the floor.

 

     “Kim Mingyu look at me.”

 

     A finger hooked under his chin and he reluctantly turned, and tears ran down his face. Seungcheol’s expression softened.

Seungcheolacted on impulse. 

     He placed a chaste kiss on Mingyu’s forehead, up on his tip toes.

 

     Mingyu froze.

 

     Seungcheol pulled back, whispering into Mingyu’s chest.

 

     “Love is hard.”

 

     “It’s not love.” Said Mingyu, lying to himself.


	12. Chapter 12

Anger was

better than tears

better than grief

better than guilt.

 

     Muffled punch after muffled punch, his teeth gritted and he was dripping with sweat.His gloves were chafing his wrists, he didn’t wrap properly.

 

_“Leave me alone, it’s just exercise. I’ve been slacking too much lately.”_

 

     Chan bought it, leaving him to his thoughts.

     The punching bag was himself.

     His fists were all the things he’s never said. All the regrets he’s had.

     When he didn’t kiss Mingyu on New Years at midnight.

     When he said he was okay, he could be left alone when he was sick, but he wanted to accept Mingyu’s offer to stay with him. To take care of him.

     All of those stages, all of those concerts, when he could’ve reached forward and told him he loved him.

 

     All the fan signs when he avoided him.

     All the sleepless nights where he could’ve stayed next to him.

     All of the mornings when he didn’t have to leave.

 

     Every year, every month, every week, every day, ever hour, every minute, every second that he’s spent with Mingyu and they’ve made it about sex and lust.

 

He made it about sex and lust.

 

     He fucked himself over. One more punch, weak this time. Drained this time. Emotionally and physically.

 

     He panted, trying to catch his breath.

      And he realizes all too late. 

 

     There’s nothing more than this. And there never will be.

     He goes to Joshua to ask for band-aids.

 

     If only he tried.


	13. Chapter 13

     Mingyu didn’t write songs. Not usually.

 

     But there was one that he was most proud of, that now, even a full year later, he was still listening to.

 

     He was still thrown over the couch, headphones shoved haphazardly in his ears, volume dangerously high.

     Scrunching his eyes shut.

     Trying to keep the tears in.

     Gritting his teeth.

     Entire body shaking. 

 

     He’s glad he’s alone. Glad he didn’t accept Jeonghan’s offer to go bowling with the rest of them. He needed to be by himself.

     In his thoughts.

     In his fears.

 

     In the lyrics written specifically for the person he could never have.

 

If I could.

If I could.

If I could.

I’ll do whatever.

 

     But he couldn’t.


	14. Chapter 14

_“I hope I’m the reason you can’t sleep. I hope your whole life sucks without me.”_

 

_“You are. It does.”_

_“Lie to me.”_

 

_“I’ve always loved you.”_

 

     He wakes in a cold sweat, heaving like he just ran for miles


	15. Chapter 15

     Two weeks. Two full weeks, fourteen days, and Wonwoo hasn’t said a single word to Mingyu. He didn’t think is was possible. He didn’t think he had the self restraint.

 

     But apparently he did.

 

     Mingyu didn’t know you could miss someone so much, even when they were right across the room.

 

     But they were idols after all, and when Wonho invited them to a party, a pre-celebration for Monsta X’s newest album, even if they didn’t want to go, they would.

 

     They all loaded up into two separate vans, not all being able to fit in one, and Mingyu waited til the last minute, making Wonwoo choose before him, then following behind.

     Making sure to sit right next to him.

     Trying to hold his hand, but Wonwoo flinched away.

 

_What the fuck did I do wrong?_

 

     When they walked into the club, they were greeted with hugs and smiles, a few kisses on the cheek, and told to come in and get a drink. Everyone scattered, the entire space was theirs, and soon Mingyu found himself nestled next to Changkyun on a fancy leather couch, watching Wonwoo from across the room as he chatted with Hyungwon, Seungkwan, and Jooheon about something or other, he was too far away to hear the conversation.

     A whisky on rocks settled on the small side table, he didn’t ever plan on drinking it, but it’s a good excuse.

     Whisky always is.

 

     “You two are fucking aren’t you?”

 

     Mingyu was taken aback, but at this point it was to be expected.

 

     “Yeah.” He replied, as if it’s nothing.

 

     Changkyun follows his line of sight, gaze flicking between the two.

 

     “He’s hot.”

 

     “I know.”

 

     “He cares about you.”

 

     Changkyun states it like it’s nothing, as if there was no weight tied to those words.

 

     “Yeah.”

 

     As if it’s nothing.

 

     Changkyun laughs, taking a sip of his drink. Something that smells sickly sweet.

 

     “You’ve fallen in love with him, haven’t you?”

 

      “You say that like it’s a curse.”

 

     “Isn’t it?”

 

     He isn’t wrong.

 

     “I don’t know what to do any more hyung.”

     Mingyu tore his hands through his hair, regret flooding his veins.

 

     “Go fuck him. It’ll be a wonderful thing to watch, I’m sure. Show them he’s yours. Claim him. Drink, and hope for the best. Nothing will be better by morning light, but better now than never.”

 

     Mingyu stood, made his way over, and embraced Wonwoo from behind, lips teasing against the warm skin of Wonwoo’s neck.

     Hyungon whistled and Wonwoo blushed, taking another sip of his drink. Jooheon slapped Mingyu’s arm, and Mingyu could hear Changkyun chuckling from his place on the couch.

 

     “Let’s leave.”

 

     He knew this club had rooms in the back.

 

     “Let’s make up.”

 

     He didn’t know if he did anything wrong really, but an apology never hurt.

 

     “I want you, now.”

     

     That’s all it took, and Wonwoo politely excused himself, dragging Mingyu down a hallway, and as Mingyu looked behind him, he could see Changkyun smirking. Changkyun raised his glass, and downed the entire thing.


	16. Chapter 16

 

     “You’re going out with him, whether you like it or not Wonwoo.” Jeonghan shoved two movie tickets into his hands, looking him in the eye assertively.“You don’t realize it, but the tension you two have is tearing the group apart, it isn’t fair to the rest of us. Jihoon hasn’t composed a track in weeks, Hansol is literally getting ready to pull his hair out because he can’t sleep because he knows something is going on but he can’t figure it out, and it’s fucking everyone up. You have to fix this Wonwoo.” 

 

     Wonwoo took the tickets, almost reluctantly.

 

     “I already talked Mingyu into it, so don’t bother using that as an excuse. Take him out, and maybe go for dinner or something after. If you don’t come home tonight, I expect things to be completely fixed by the time you’re here in the morning.”

 

     Wonwoo sighed, running a hand down his face in defeat.

 

     “Fine, okay? I’ll take him out.”

 

     It sounded too domestic. He cringed.

 

     At least an hour later, Wonwoo knew this isn’t what Jeonghan would’ve wanted.

     It wasn’t even acceptable in the eyes of society, let alone in the eyes of Yoon Jeonghan, but here he was, on his knees, crushing stale popcorn most likely, head between Mingyu’s thighs.

     Sucking him off, in the darkest corner of the theater.

     One of Mingyu’s hands was tied in Wonwoo’s hair, the other gripping the armrest.

     His teeth were gritted as he stared down at Wonwoo, watching him with lust. Neither were paying attention to whatever movie was playing in the background.

 

     Mingyu was trying his best to keep quiet, it was quite a test, seeing as Mingyu was the loudest one when it came to anything sexual. It didn’t take long for him to finish, and when Wonwoo pulled back with such an erotically wet sound, Mingyu came on his face, painting him white.

     Mingyu was in ecstasy, jaw slack, simply staring at Wonwoo, pleased with his work. Wonwoo looked much, _much_ better, completely scandalized, as if he was a virgin and just got fucked for the very first time. Mingyu helped him clean up before returning to his seat.

 

     The movie let out, and they rushed to get out the doors, into the cool night air, and neither wanted to go home.

 

     “Hotel?” Wonwoo asked, but he already knew the answer.

 

     “Always.”

 

     It didn’t take them long to find a room, they were idols after all, and the penthouse suite with gigantic windows overlooking the entrapping city lights was more than enough. It was beautiful, they, were beautiful. Wonwoo almost didn’t want to crawl into the bed, in fear of never getting out again.

 

     The second they fell into the room, Wonwoo just stared.

     And Mingyu held him from behiand, embracing him with comfort and contentment, before letting go.n

 

     Wonwoo panicked externally this time, but when Mingyu dragged a hand down his arm reassuringly he calmed.

 

     Letting Mingyu sit him down on the bed. Waiting. Staring out onto the city below him as Mingyu went into the bathroom. Wonwoo’s didn’t know what to expect, but no matter what happened, the collar of his shirt was killing him and he was too warm for comfort.

     He undressed, throwing his clothes onto the floor. Opening the window leading to the balcony. Letting it in. Letting his guard down for one glorious night.

 

     He felt the footsteps approach him, and when Mingyu grabbed his hand, pulling them together, he let it happen. He didn’t fight. He didn’t want to.

 

     Mingyu picked him up effortlessly and Wonwoo felt as if he was flying, Mingyu set him down in the bathtub, a pink and turquoise bath bomb creating vortexes in the water. 

 

     Pampered. Loved. Like a prince. 

 

     Mingyu sat down next to him, letting their hands entwine, letting their guards down. The only glow in the entire hotel room was from the lights outside, giving everything a touch of something Wonwoo couldn’t place a word to.

 

     They sat. That night they didn’t fuck.

     They sat, hands intwined, breathing.

 

     Loving in silence.

 

     Living, in silence.

 

     Suffering in silence.

 

     But for now, contentment was all they could have


	17. Chapter 17

_“Have you ever been so loyal to someone, to the point that you love them, even when all they’ve ever done is hurt you?”_

_“Seungcheol not this again-“_

_“Hansol shut the fuck up.”_

Hanson sighed, deep, switching the phone to his other ear. 

_“You’re only hurting yourself at this point.”_

_“I know that.”_


	18. Chapter 18

How do you know what love is?

How do you know how to love?

Is this what heartbreak feels like?

How can you lose someone you never had?

Why does it hurt so much?


	19. Chapter 19

     “He scares me. I tell him things I can’t even tell myself.”

 


	20. Chapter 20

****You made me feel as if I was enough, even when I didn’t believe it myself. I think you’re just magic like that.


	21. Chapter 21

     “I need him either closer or far way, far enough that I can’t even see him clearly, having him right in between is killing me.”

     It turns out that night air, a good conversation and a sky full of stars can heal any wound, or at least put a band aid on it.

 

     “Those eyes of his could swallow stars, galaxies and universes, what hope did I ever have?” Mingyu smiled, and took another swing of soju, burning his throat. It was a pure, genuine smile, one of love, and longing, and when Jihoon took a swig after him he was thinking of all the moments he felt euphoric happiness with Wonwoo. All of the times he felt at home.

 

     “You know what Mingyu? You’re a good guy, just with the wrong angle.”

     Jihoon gestures to the stars, waving his hand out with a smile, “we all love the stars, but we all love the city, we all love ourselves, somewhere deep down, but we need another person to show us why. Everything can be beautiful, even hurt. But no matter what it is, we have to deal with it. The universe isn’t to blame, but it can make us feel better. Does that make sense?”

 

     Mingyu nodded, staring up into the stars, looking for the beyond after infinity.

 

     “You never wanted to fall in love, but he came along and now you want everything. How are you gonna deal with that?”

 

     “I have no idea. But thank you Jihoon, for everything.” This time, Mingyu didn’t reject the idea of love.

 

     “No problem.”


	22. Chapter 22

 

      “I love the way his mind works.” 

       Mingyu knew he shouldn’t be doing anything that he currently is.

 

     He knows he shouldn’t be showing his soul to Seungcheol, he knows he shouldn’t be suffering over this anymore, he knows that it would be best to just move on but he can’t, because no matter what he’ll always go back to Wonwoo, he can’t stay away even if he wanted to.

 

     He shouldn’t be existing.

 

     So he cries. In Seungcheol’s arms.

     Wanting to be anywhere besides in these walls.

 

     “I hate knowing that I have to push him away to stay sane. Does that make sense?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

     They fucked.

     They fucked they fucked they fucked they fucked-

 

     And Mingyu knew deep down he fucked up because of that, because this shit was supposed to be  _easy,_ right? It was supposed to be like in the books, everything gets sorted out in the end, everything is supposed to get better. 

 

     But it’s been months. It’s been hell. 

 

     He stands up, putting back on his clothes, and as he stands at the door and looks back at Wonwoo, still exposed, dozing peacefully on the bed.

     Mingyu feels his entire life crumble. Fuck. 


	23. Chapter 23

 

     “What the fuck did you do to him?”

 

     “Seungcheol I don’t know what you’re talking abo-“

 

     When Seungcheol raised his fist, landing a powerful punch right on Wonwoo’s nose, making him _bleed_ , Wonwoo had no idea what he had gotten himself into. He had no idea what he did, and the fact that he was at the dorms alone and Seungcheol just came in, slamming the door, makes him scared, bone chillingly, worried for his life scared.

     He’d never seen the Seungcheol this angry. He had never done something, no one had, that brought him to this point.

     Seungchol wasn’t that kind of person, but Wonwoo may have to rethink his evaluation if this situation was turning to the way he feared it would.

 

     Seungcheol didn’t stop.

 

     Wonwoo didn’t fight back.

 

     He just stood there, letting Seungcheol slap him around like a rag doll, not doing anything. Letting Seungcheol throw him to the floor, punch after punch landing on his chest, he would be for sure bruised to all hell, but Seungcheol must have a reason.

      Right?

     Seungcheol is the reasonable one, but he had stress like the rest of them. Wonwoo let this be his outlet, zoning out to the screams that filled the empty dorm. 5 minutes pass, and Seungcheol sees that Wonwoo isn’t going to fight back.

 

     Seungcheol wanted him to fight back, he wanted Wonwoo to get mad even if he wasn’t sure what he did, he wanted Wonwoo to be a bad person, and get angry and scream and make him bruise and bleed, he wanted Wonwoo to really truly be bad, because that’s the only thought that made Seungcheol feel better these days.

 

     Seungcheol stopped, looking at Wonwoo, who was pinned under his hips, Wonwoo’s teeth gritted and chattering, head tilted back, eyes glued shut and tears running down his ruined face, nose bleeding.

 

     Seungcheol was crying.

      Eyes screwed shut.

      Trying to keep the pain in.

 

     He crumbled.

 

     So even after he fucked up Wonwoo’s face, chest, life in a way, when the leader with too much on his shoulders fell, Wonwoo wrapped his arms around him as if nothing had just happened.

 

     “You have him, you have him,” Seungcheol sobbed, “and what are you doing? He loves you Wonwoo, you have him, He’s at the tip of your fingers but all you’re doing is pushing him away and hurting him. I can’t just watch any more Wonwoo. I just can’t, I can feel it _killing_ me,” he said, “And know damn well what you’re doing. You know exactly who you’re breaking.”

 

    Wonwoo was frozen, everything finally piecing together in his mind.

 

     “He doesn’t love me,” Wonwoo whispered, still crying.

 

     “He says that. But I know what love is like. And it rips you apart and makes you scared.”


	24. Chapter 24

    In Kim Mingyu’s mind, the thought of loving someone was simply the most exquisite form of self destruction.And nothing more.


	25. Chapter 25

     Heartbreak isn’t a poem, it isn’t listening to sad songs at 4 am,

     Heartbreak isn’t a break up song and burning someone’s house down.

 

     Heartbreak is knowing that there’s nothing in the world that can fix the shit you’ve done

     Knowing that they don’t _care_ in the way you do, and they never have. And they never will.


	26. Chapter 26

     Some days

— He felt everything at once, other days

— He felt nothing at all.

 

     He couldn’t figure out which was worse.

— Drowning

— Or dying of thirst


	27. Chapter 27

 

     “Leave me alone. _Please_.”

     There’s something awfully dehumanizing about making someone beg. It stems from wholehearted desperation, and when one is reduced to depending on begging, it’s because they have lost close to all hope left in their entire being, and is dangling on by a thread.

 

     Wonwoo was dangling on by a thread.

 

     Backed into the corner of his room.

 

     Ugly bruises blooming on his cheeks.

 

     He deserved it.

 

     Mingyu slammed the door without a word.


	28. Chapter 28

     “You’re looking for healing at the feet of the same person who broke you.”

 

     “No shit Joshua. Just, leave me alone.”

 

     “No.”


	29. Chapter 29

     “I see him, and I begin just, _grieving_ , all over again.”


	30. Chapter 30

     “You’re an enigma, you know that?”

 

     Seungkwan pats the foundation sponge lightly over his bruises, and he winces.

 

     “What do you mean by that?”

 

     “You feel so strongly, and break like porcelain. You’re caught between what you are and who you want to be.”

 

      The subtle swipe of the brush along his cheekbone, and Wonwoo feels a tear run down his cheek, ruining all the work Seungkwan just put in. Seungkwan didn’t care.

 

     “It’s not fair.” Wonwoo said. 

 

     “When has it ever been?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ☆ hey you reading this, I really hate to ask, but could you possibly drop a comment? constructive criticism is very much welcomed, and anything else you’d like to say. I just want some feed back on what people think oof :’’)


	31. Chapter 31

 

    “Kwon Soonyoung why are you ignoring me?”

     Soonyoung stopped, and turned around. 

     Ugly tears running down his face, and he crumbles. Wonwoo stands still, worried. Scared.

 

     “What happened?”

 

     “What happened? Really Wonwoo? Chan, He broke it off. He saw the fucking mess that you and Mingyu have made, and he told me that we needed to stop before everything tore the group apart even more, before he broke me.” He said, tears and snot running down.

      “Won, it’s already happened. He’s broke me. To the core, he’s ripped me down, opened my wounds, torn me apart and learned everything about my body, had it memorized and he just leaves, because of you!”

 

     Wonwoo staggers back, not wanting to accept reality. Not wanting to accept the fact that his best friend hates him.

 

     “Don’t talk to me, don’t come near me, don’t try and fix me. Leave me the hell alone Wonwoo. There’s nothing you can fix now.”


	32. Chapter 32

 

     “What did you tell Seungcheol?”

 

     “Seokmin, I don’t see why that matters now-“

 

     “The fact that you don’t see that it matters just goes to show how blind you are to literally everything that’s going down currently. Jeonghan is thinking about _leaving_ Seventeen because of this, Kim Mingyu,  _what did you tell Seungcheol_.”

 

     “Fine, alright? I told him that it breaks me, every single day, every single night when I can’t sleep, every moment when I’m not with him, but it hurts even more when I am with him. I told him that Wonwoo breaks me, and that I don’t know what love is, I told him that I don’t want to be in the same room as Wonwoo because I know he’s there, but I can’t have him in the ways that I want, that I need. 

     “ And I told him that no matter what I’ll always come back to him, to Wonwoo, because he was the one who understood in a way I didn’t understand. I told Seungcheol, and I knew each word that I said it tore him apart but I kept going because I had to get it out, somewhere, to someone. This entire situation is just as much my fault as it is Wonwoo’s, but Seungcheol can’t blame me, even though I blame myself.”

 

     “You need to fix this Mingyu.”

 

     “I know.”


	33. Chapter 33

 

     “Jeonghan, please, please just open the door, I’m begging you-“ Minghao, Jun, they had just returned and everything was absolute chaos.

 

     No one was okay.

 

     Seungkwan was looking for a screwdriver, Minghao knocking on the door and twisting the handle, begging him to just open the door and let them help him, while Seungcheol was trying to calm Chan down before he went into a panic attack himself. Jun kept the other members somewhere else, distracting them.

 

     Finally, Minghao heard the telltale click and he shoved the door open, met with a sobbing Jeonghan who fell to the floor, and Minghao instantly sat next to him.

     Not touching him.

 

     Keeping a good distance, one that could be crossed if Jeonghan wanted, no, needed to.

 

     “I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry Minghao, I’m so so sorry I-“

 

     Minghao wanted to reach out, but he didn’t let himself, and very carefully he got up and shut the door again.

 

     He just, started singing, slowly. Softly. In Mandarin, he wasn’t sure if he could even speak in Korean right now, and he didn’t know what else to do. Or even where he would begin.

 

     The more Minghao looked at a Jeonghan, the more he noticed. He was still, eerily so but it looked as if he was shaking on the inside, his teeth chattering together, body turned in on itself, almost as if he was willing himself to disappear. And scratch marks, covering his left wrist, oozing liquid, his body wanting to heal itself as fast as it could.

 

     He knew it was an impulse.

 

     He still cried none the less.


	34. Chapter 34

     Jun and Joshua. They were a powerful pair, when working together, and if everyone was being honest they were the only ones in an even slightly stable state of mind currently.

 

     Everyone was gathered in the main room of the dorm, a surprising feat but here they were, sitting, waiting for Hansol to get out of the bathroom.

 

     Jun scanned over the room, meeting the eyes of every single member, one by one.

 

     Hansol comes out of the bathroom and settles himself next to Jeonghan. Holding his hand, being weary of the bandages around Jeonghan’s wrists.

 

     Joshua stands, moving next to Jun, everyone takes a collective deep breath in, and they looks shaken, as if they just walked through a hurricane. 

     Jeonghan looks as if he might start crying again, Seungkwan is comforting a shaky Soonyoung, Mingyu and Wonwoo refuse to meet each other in the eye, Chan looks longingly as Joshua, craving his comfort.

     Hansol looks as if he could fall asleep right then and there, he looked strained just by sitting.

 

     Seungcheol sat by himself, curled around a pillow, a blanket hung over his shoulder, his head hung in something akin to shame. Everyone was eerily quiet.

     So much unlike themselves.

 

     With the approving nod of Joshua, Jun is the first one to speak up once everyone is settled.

 

     “Joshua already gave me the lowdown on everything that happened, so I want you all to keep your traps shut until we’re finished. This? Everything that’s been happening, it’s fucked and you guys know it.” He sighed, not even knowing how to continue, and Joshua took over for him.

 

     “We are all so much better than this, and I don’t want to make it seem as if we’re trying to scold you like children, because I think all of us have really messed up in one way or another. But at the same time, what are we doing? We’re tearing ourselves apart, we’re tearing the group apart and it isn’t fair to anyone. The stress, no, everything that everyone is feeling is so suffocating and it’s making me feel insane. It’s so thick in the air and I can’t breathe. I can’t turn around without seeing a member in tears. I can’t think, I can’t sleep, and I hate it.”

 

     Jeonghan starts crying.

     Jun jumped back in, and he seemed to be getting upset at this point, sad, disappointed, pure frustration.

 

     “Who are we?”

 

     It was a rhetorical question.

 

     “We are Seventeen, we are the winners of multiple awards, we are the rookies who debuted May 26th, 2015 with nothing, we are the ones who made it, with sold out world tours, with fans around the world supporting us in every single moment, we are idols and we are more important than we’re making ourselves out to be”

      “We are the millionaires, we are the kids who were worried that they would fail, we are the ones who leftover everything behind, we are the ones who faced rejection and shunning from our families to make our dreams come true. Each and everyone of you are here for a god damned reason, and we are so much fucking more than this! What are we doing? We’re just tearing ourselves apart, letting our health deteriorate, I’ve lost so fucking much and I’ve risked it all and I will not lose you guys too god damn it!”

 

     He de-escalated only when Minghao stood from his place on the couch and wrapped him in his arms, crying into his chest.

 

     He wasn’t the only one in tears.

 

     Jihoon got up, grabbed his coat from the entryway, and left, slamming the door behind him. Pretending no one saw the tears flowing down his face.

 


	35. Chapter 35

 

     “This isn’t some story, this isn’t some movie, it’s the real world! It’s reality! We all know it’s not going to just get solved by some piss poor excuse of a speech, people, fucked up situations, they don’t just get fixed, it’s not that simple.” Jihoon sighed, body deflating with each word, spirit leaving him.

     Soonyoung rested his head on Jihoon’s shoulder, letting his tears fall, letting his hopes crumble. He hadn’t _broke_ in awhile, not without Wonwoo, not without his ‘best friend.’

 

     “Do you want to get away for awhile? Leave the broken tracks behind, and it just be us for a night. I have a notebook and a pen in my bag if you need it, we can leave right now.”

 

     Jihoon scoffed.

 

     “You know I’d love to Soon-“

 

     “Don’t even say but, it wasn’t really a request. I think we both need it. I don’t remember the last time we actually talked that wasn’t just producer shit. I know we’ve never been the closest in the group, but I think I need you,” Soonyoung said, “ As much as you know you need to be needed.”

 

     Jihoon sighed, running a tired hand down his face.

 

     “Okay.”


	36. Chapter 36

“ _Tell me about the night you hung your fears on the moon and let me hold your hand. I use words like brave and words like reckless but what I do know is less and less each morning. I just wish I had gone back for you. I just wish you’d let me love you.”_


	37. Chapter 37

 

     “Jeonghan, please. You know I love you, and I want you to get better. You shouldn’t be trying to take care of me.” Seungcheol blubbered on, but Jeonghan held a tender finger to his lips.

 

     “There have been countless studies made that prove helping others can help you feel better, get over emotional stress and burn out. Now shut your ever loving pie hole and let me take care of you.”

 

     “Thank you.”

 

     “You don’t have to thank me for doing the right thing.”

 


	38. Chapter 38

     “I’ve lost him. I’ve lost him. I never had him and now I never will. I’ve lost my best friend, I’ve lost everyone’s trust, I just don’t know what to do.”

     Vernon hasn’t slept in days, but it was nice to have company at least this once. Wonwoo wasn’t sleeping either. They passed a can of Monster between them, trying to feel awake and alive for once.

 

     “Life sucks Won, there’s not much we can really do. They say time heals all wounds, and maybe that’s true, but the thing is we just don’t have time. We need to keep producing music, keep living our lives. We’re idols for gods sake, even our company is worried for us. I think you and ‘Gyu need to sit down and just talk it out. It might not fix anything, it can’t hurt to try. Especially where we’re at right now. Not much can really get worse.”

 

     Wonwoo sighed, tired, but it turned into a humble smile.

 

     “When did all my dongsaeng‘s get so wise? I feel young and immature compared to all of you.”

 

     “I think we’ve always been like this, but never really had the chance to use it. You learn a lot over the years.” The way Vernon said it was wistful, past his age. Too old for even someone twenty.

 

     “I think I’m an old soul. That’s what my dad says.”

 

     “That would explain a lot.” Wonwoo mused, taking another sip of Monster.


	39. Chapter 39

     Poetry was not something Seokmin was adept in, but it was something he needed. He carefully tore off a piece of tape, sticking the note to the door, and leaving.

 

_Don’t let this_

_Fall_

_Apart_

_As it does_

_You_

_Will_

_Too_

 

_-_ life isn’t simple

 


	40. Chapter 40

_He holds everything my soul thirsts for. His heart breaks like glass. His spirit is humble, life never made to suffer, but we were never meant to last_


	41. Chapter 41

     “You’re the only one I really have at this point,” he said, “this was meant to be fair, it was meant to be simple, it was supposed to fill our teenage desire for someone to hold us and tell us it was going to be okay. I never thought in a million years, I could really fuck up this bad.” Mingyu inhaled, sucking in the cool spring air, and started again with a chuckle.

 

     “I think I loved him from the start. And I think that’s the most fucked up thing of all.”

 

     Seokmin held onto Mingyu, stroking his hair as Mingyu sobbed into his shoulder.

 

     “Do you love him? Even now?” 

 

     “If love is pure suffering, then yes. I always have,”


	42. Chapter 42

     He doesn’t know.

 

     How he ended up tangled in his sheets again.

     Being lulled by the truth coated with honey-like lies.

 

     He doesn’t know.

 

     How he worked up the courage.

     To make the decision to fuck it all, and spend one last, blissful night.

 

     They were the products of a war against themselves.

 

     But as Mingyu kissed bruises that hurt less than the weight attached.

 

     And Wonwoo let him do it.

 

     The truth hurts.

 

     But the lies punch harder.


	43. Chapter 43

 

     Wonwoo had a theory that everything got worse when he slept with Mingyu.

 

      Not much of a theory, more as a tried and true fact.

 

     Seoul had many, many hotels, five stars for most of them, upper and lower class ones, and ones that only the best of the best really stayed at.

 

     “We all need a break from each other, because this isn’t working out. Take time for yourselves.” 

     

     Joshua had explained, taking room cards from out of his jacket pocket and handing them to different members. Each hotel fitting their needs. Just like Joshua to think of the docile things. 

    No one could find it in them to object. To fight. They all packed their things and left, Wonwoo and Mingyu tearing their eyes from each other.

 


	44. Chapter 44

 

     Seungcheol found a gym, and spent hours there, moving, keeping himself busy, distracted. Not letting himself think.

 

     Jeonghan went to a spa, let himself relax, he let himself let go for once. He picked up his guitar and played.

 

     Joshua went to church for the first time in a long while, praying for hope, peace, forgiveness. Praying for a better future. Praying for something to give and get better. He prayed for Soonyoung


	45. Chapter 45

     Junhui returned to China, to his hometown, letting the nostalgia sink in. he took his little brother out to one of his favorite little restaurants.

 

     Soonyoung hardly went to his hotel, going to a studio and dancing, playing his music as loud as it could go, letting his tears fall and his body scream.

 

     Jihoon took his laptop, refusing to let himself stop working, writing tracks full of emptiness, and lyrics full of soul, and letting himself get lost.

 


	46. Chapter 46

     Seokmin went out, took to the city, shopped, ate, let himself fall in to this comfort he hadn’t felt in a long time. He let himself forget.

 

     Minghao let himself fall apart. Spent his weeks crying, spent his weeks sobbing into his phone speaker, Samuel singing to him in calming tones as he fell.

 

     Seungkwan spent his time checking in on the others, telling them it would all be okay. Things would work out, even as he felt lost.

 

     Hansil slept, went to the doctors office and got prescribed melatonin, and slept some more, staying in bed, only occasionally getting out to eat, shower, and use the restroom.

 

     Chan sat. Did nothing but meditate and think.


	47. Chapter 47

 

     Wonwoo wrote. He spent hours writing paragraphs he never sent, he cried and threw things and let himself be eaten alive by guilt and fear. But by the second week he stopped crying. He stopped lying to himself. And he wished to blend in with the walls


	48. Chapter 48

     Mingyu ran. And he ran some more, to the corners of Seoul, past that, never stopping, only slowing, out til nightfall, and then he made his way back. Slept for maybe three hours, and then ran some more. It was better than thinking. 


	49. Chapter 49

_“This is Mingyu, leave a message after the beep and I’ll respond when I get it.”_

 

_Beeeeeeepp_

 

_“Hey, Mingyu, call me back when you get this. We need to get together. I need to talk to you. And. . . I’m sorry_


	50. Chapter 50

       Seungcheol tapped his foot against the tile, the sound echoing throughout his chest, waiting. Nursing the Starbucks drink in his hands.

     He hated Starbucks.

 

     Mingyu loved it.

 

     That’s why he was here.

 

     He took a sip, grimacing at the taste but he downed it anyways, trying to cover his anxiety, his worry.

 

     Mingyu stepped into the shop, looked around, spotted Seungcheol and sat down next to him, not yet meeting his eyes. Not yet forgiving him.

 

     “I’m sorry.”

 

     Seungcheol chokes out, he looks as if he’s fighting off tears.

 

     “I’m sorry for everything I’ve done, I’m sorry for making such a big deal and not just shoving my feelings and issues down, I’m sorry for breaking, and letting the rest of the group break too. I don’t deserve you, or your kindness, or anything about you. I’m sorry for letting myself fall in love with you.”

 

     Mingyu took a sip of his coffee.

 

     He looked Seungcheol in the eye, staring into his very being, his very soul.

 

     “Let me love you, just for tonight, and you can see what a curse it is.”

 

     Seungcheol nodded, giving in. 

 


	51. Chapter 51

     It was three am when he got the call, of broken tears and desperation hidden in the voice across the line. 

 

     “Please,” it said, “Come pick me up.”

 

      It turns out love does hurt. It turns out Choi Seungcheol didn’t know what he was getting himself into when he received everything he’s ever wanted


	52. Chapter 52

     A pounding on his door woke him up, it had to be at least five am, and he had passed out. You can guess why.

     He trudged from his bed, opened the chain on his door, threw it open, and didn’t expect to be punched in the face by Hong Jisoo of all people. He stumbled backward, cradling his jaw, and stumbled backward with a groan, Jisoo entering the room and shutting the door behind him quietly.

     “You fucking bastard,” He seethed, getting up in Mingyu’s space, jamming a finger into his chest, “you got damned idiot, why do you do these things? Are you trying to make everything worse?”

     Mingyu had no response, just standing there and letting himself be lectured. Letting himself hear the words he’s been so scared to hear, because they’re real. Because they have weight tied to them and they had the power to sink him like a stone.

 

     “That’s it,” Jisoo said, and he dragged Mingyu upwards, pulling him to his feet.

 

     “You’re talking to him. To Wonwoo. I don’t care what the hell it takes, but this will get fixed, and you’ll be the one doing it.”

 

     He dragged him out the the hotel room, down the stairs, and into his car. Nothing but silence filling the way to Wonwoo’s hotel.

 


	53. Chapter 53

     “One week, that’s what I’m giving you. You won’t leave this room, you’ll sleep in the same bed, share everything, and when I come here next week. I expect you two to be  perfectly happy, at the very least  okay . You two work it out, then we can all fix everything else.”

     They were sat on the bed like children, listening to Jisoo and refusing to meet each other in the eye. 

     They nodded. Having no choice. 

     Jisoo left, and Mingyu turned to meet Wonwoo in a haste kiss. 

     “I’m sorry,” he said. He kissed Wonwoo again, “I’m so god damned sorry for everything I’ve done for all the pain I’ve caused.” a kiss planted on his lips, pushing Wonwoo back onto the bed and leaning above him, another kiss. “I know you’ve been hurting, I know I put you through this and I’m so fucking  sorry.

     Wonwoo I don’t deserve you. You’re too good for me but I can’t help but but love you anyway. And I want you.” Wonwoo’s hand on his cheek, pulling him closer, “you’re so great, and amazing, and  godly , and I’ve taken advantage of that.” Wonwoo’s crying now, but he kisses Mingyu again and again and again and doesn’t stop for the life of him. 

     Wonwoo pushes him away, he’s sobbing but he tucks a stray strand of Mingyu’s hair behind his ears. 

     “Not now,” He whispers, body shaking with sobs, and Mingyu is crying too. 

     Mingyu nods. They sleep. 


	54. Chapter 54

     “I’ve missed you,” Chan said into the kiss, cradling Jisoo’s cheek softly.

“I haven’t slept for days.” Jisoo laughed, but he sobered up after a moment, looking at the floor as he thought out his next words.

 

     “Chan? When was the last time you talked to Soonyoung?”

 

     “It’s been weeks, why?”

 

     “I have a feeling he needs you as much as you need me.”

 

     “I’ll talk to him but,” he slipped a hand under Jisoo’s shirt, “after this?”

 

     Jisoo laughed and pushed him back on the bed.

 

     “Of course.”


	55. Chapter 55

     Day one

 

     They get into a fight. Neither of them knows how, or why, but not Wonwoo has Mingyu by the throat, held against the wall. There would be bruises, ugly, ugly bruises, but Wonwoo pushed harder.

     “I hate you,” he said, but his tears told a different story. He let Mingyu go.

 

     “You don’t hate me,” Mingyu said after he regained access to his lungs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yell @ me on insta & make a fic request;; @ universe_factory_


	56. Chapter 56

Day two

Wonwoo gets a call from Soonyoung but ignores it, Mingyu filling him to the brim and the bed rocks against the wall. 

“Fuck—“ Mingyu moans when he hits Wonwoo’s sweet spot and Wonwoo clenches around him, moving his hips to meet Mingyu in the middle. 

“You’re always so good for me Won, fuck. You’re beautiful.” Wonwoo keens at the praise, back arching up off the bed and a moan spilling from his lips. A few moments after he came, Mingyu following shortly after and releasing into Wonwoo. They stilled, panting and trying to compose themselves. They clean up and cuddle, Wonwoo’s hands tangled in Mingyu’s hair, kissing him with soft passion. Any outsider would think they were stupidly in love, and maybe they were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a Twitter now it’s @/wonu_days and please come yell at me to write more


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